15 July 2008

A New Beginning

Before I go off on the tangent to which I am struggling to find the words for, I did want to share this--my Tour de Fleece "Burning Bush" BFL, spun into a lovely, soft, two-ply at around 107-ish yards? (Ok, I forgot the actual yardage, so that's a guess). My other TdF pursuits have been pushed onto a back burner so I could make it through the past week at work...

... leading me to my non-knitting, non-crafty tangent. (So, if you want all the latest and greatest from knitting projects or from the Tour, stop reading now!)

I've really be struggling with a lot of concepts lately. The concept of modernization, the concept of division of labor, the concept of emotional labor, the idea that I can lead a sentient, inspired life, a creative life.. an unentangled life. An off-the-grid life. A meaningful life. A worth-while life. A life I want to wake up for.

I'm really, really having a difficult time with it. J and I are very fortunate that we don't have any real financial obligations.. we don't own our house, we don't have children. Our two cars are paid off. Basically, we have a disposable income that affords us the luxury of doing whatever it is that we want. But, it's becoming more and more obvious that this isn't what I want.

If I weren't married, I think I'd live in a tiny place, I'd grow my own food, I'd have no electricity. I'd be asleep by 8pm each night, up with the sunrise. I'd spend time doing whatever it was I found most rewarding -- spinning, knitting, or god forbid I may actually pick up a book. I would not have a telephone. I'd write real letters. I'd walk more. I'd learn to bake.

.. And instead, my life is working. And sleeping.

And I've just come to a point where that isn't good enough any longer.

There are going to be some big changes in the house over the next couple of months. We're getting rid of the satellite TV (RIP Keith Olbermann, wherever you have been over the last week?). Our discretionary income is going to be gone.. no more trips to Urban Outfitters because we can't decide what to wear, no more trips to the LYS because I'm having a bad day, no more ice cream unless it's part of the budget. We're going to have real meals that we'll really sit down for. I'm going to find a part-time job that will give us enough to cover the bills, but I can't do this anymore. It's not worth it.

These are the easy things we can do.. and still, some of them are going to be really, really difficult. But, I only have one life, and there is only one today. And if I can't be happy today, then I may not have another chance.

I've had this gnarling, ever-present lump of stress in my throat over the last month. It's been growing and growing. At first, I couldn't figure out what it was--am I getting sick? Am I already sick? Could it be allergies? Then I realized, it's the feeling that my stomach is in a ball and wound so tightly from stress that I can barely swallow without feeling it. I've wondered how to get rid of it.. would crying help? Would quitting my job help?

I think these are the only answers. So, today is the mark of a new life. This first month will be really rough, but I really, really need these changes more than anything.

Cheers to a new beginning and let's hope for the best.


HANNAH said...

Now, THAT sounds like a plan.
May your new beginnings be filled with
powerful positivity!

ducky said...

Good for you for getting off the merry-go-round!
Wishing you more peaceful days ahead : )